I’m sorry, baseball: A formal apology

If there’s one thing I (re-)learned about myself this week, it’s that I love sports. And not just watching games. I’ve been reading, voraciously, about proposed trades and acquisitions. Who’s going to fit in with which defensive schemes? Who may be the best match for x coaching staff or y quarterback? And where is Carlos Beltran going to end up?

Hold the phone. Carlos Beltran? He’s a baseball player. I’ve found myself invested in where the MLB’s most eligible batter ends up? It’s as if I have wandered into some alternate universe where football doesn’t exist and baseball interests me. I’m just kidding. Football will never not exist to me… but during the locked out months of the NFL, I decided to give baseball a chance.

And maybe, just maybe, it started off as a way to endear myself to a guy. Oh, don’t judge me. Peter O’Toole/Orlando Bloom and Brian Cox/Brendan Gleeson went to war over Diane Kruger in the movie Troy. I just decided to pay attention to a sport I’d repeatedly derided and criticized the past eighteen years. And it was less as a way to endear myself and more a response to his sincere love and passion for the sport. Totally infectious.

Don’t get me wrong. There are still elements of the ridiculous to poke fun at: managers (coaches) dressing up in baseball uniforms, hundreds of games each season that could very well last 3.5+ hours and absolutely no accountability for the officiating. The latter two elements are of particular interest to me after a nineteen inning doozie between the Pittsburgh Pirates and Atlanta Braves that ended at the hands of umpire Jerry Meals. I’m still learning my baseball terminology, but I think the technical term for his game-determining call of “safe” at home for Atlanta’s Julio Lugo, even before the runner touched the plate – and despite catcher Mike McKenry’s obvious tag four feet away from the plate – is… bullshit.

This is where the football/basketball/tennis fan in me cries out for replay capability. If ESPN can show me whether any pitch is inside the strike zone, we can’t take a minute for the ump to review his own call, especially after two teams have duked it out for nearly seven hours? I guess there’s the idea that it would slow the game. Which is itself an interesting argument, as baseball often feels like the slowest game on the planet (not named golf).

I digress. The point of this entry is not for me to complain. Even though I really do hate the Atlanta Braves, which bested the Pittsburgh Pirates in the NLCS two seasons in a row nearly 20 years ago (aka the last time the Pirates could boast a winning record and I fancied myself a baseball fan). It’s only fitting that the resurgent Pirates, presently in the hunt for first in the NL Central, would face such a frustrating defeat at the hands of the (ugh) Braves. But that’s enough about that.

What I’m trying to explain, ever so gracefully, is this: even after that ridiculous call at 1:50 in the morning and the systematic flaws it exposed, I’m still on board with baseball. It doesn’t hurt that I chose to follow two teams that are having successful seasons and feature fun-to-root-for rosters, of course, but I’ve learned to embrace the game itself. And despite knowing so little about the nuances and business of the sport, I’m enjoying it! I’m currently in no position to offer baseball-related flirting advice (I know. I’m good for precisely nothing.), but I do recommend giving baseball a chance. Try watching a game and picking a team to root for. You may be amazed by how quickly you can become invested.

Upon opening my mind, I have found even scoreless innings can be riveting: the race to first base after a ground ball, stolen base attempts, diving catches, the will-it-won’t-it clear the fence fly balls/near-home runs… Not bad, baseball. Not too bad at all.

Don’t it always seem to go that you don’t know what you’ve got.. till it’s (almost) gone?

The sun seems to be shining brighter (and less oppressively, painfully hot) this week. I feel a spring in my step and a smile on my face. In fact, the weight of the world seems to have vacated my shoulders. 

Yes. I am recently single once more and yes, I’ve come to terms with it.  I don’t doubt this has factored in some capacity to the shift in my mood, but overwhelming credit is due to the official return of the NFL.  That’s right.  Getting over a broken heart? Nice for emotional well-being.  The return of professional football after a 132 day period of uncertainty? Its positive impact is incalculable.  And no. I’m not going to read into the implications of that admission.

But you know what, ladies?  If I’M feeling this way, we can only assume there are dozens of guys (at LEAST) who share my enthusiasm.  Opportunity!

As of Thursday, we have just six weeks until the 2011 NFL regular season commences.  Preseason games begin August 11.  The roster shuffling, rookie- and free agent-signing that typically occurs over a period of months has been condensed into ten days.  In other words, some crazy stuff is going down this week.  Rookies, free agents, undrafted free agents (rookies who weren’t drafted) are all going to be in talks with prospective teams and will begin signing at the end of this week.

I understand. If you still struggle to find football itself exciting, learning who’s going to which team isn’t likely to rev your engines. But, as always, we’re looking for conversational in’s here. And if you really hate football, stop wasting your time. Ahh, hedging and disclaimers.

If you meet a guy this weekend, and football happens to come up, ask him how he feels about the moves his team has (or hasn’t) made thus far.  And let him talk.  You must understand: we NFL fans have had NOTHING to discuss, aside from what snappy fedora DeMaurice Smith wore that week or which player was arrested or said something embarrassingly stupid, since March-ish.  We are experiencing relief, excitement and the all-encompassing desire to talk football.  I know if someone asks me about football in the coming days, I won’t even care if when I see eyes glazing over. I will plow through my analysis with a smile on my face, unapologetically boring everyone around me.  Friends, take note. Maaaybe don’t bring up football this week.

There are a few hot topics worth discussing that will undoubtedly earn you a few brownie points, should you bring them to the table:

(Former) Oakland Raider Nnamdi Asomugha (a name I spelled correctly on my first try, thankyouverymuch): He’s an incredibly talented cornerback and the single-most coveted free agent this offseason.  He’s got the speed and hands to physically shut down his half of the field and change the face of a defense.  QB’s are inclined to throw away from him, and those who take the risk often live to regret it.  He’s a game-changer, no doubt, and will command a massive salary.  Many teams are in the hunt to make a bid, but as of post time, no clear frontrunner has been established. Stay tuned here.

Carson Palmer v. Cincinnati Bengals: Oh, Bengals.  The one team that sent its season ticketholders an email welcoming the season’s return, before players had even voted on a proposal, has engaged its veteran QB in a war of wills.  In his eight years with the Bengals, Palmer has seen just two winning seasons and posted more multi-interception games last season than you could shake a stick at (that IS an official stat). And he wants out. With four years remaining on his contract, Palmer has demanded a trade, threatening to retire should his demand not be met.  Bengals owner Mike Brown insists that he will not trade Palmer- it would be rewarding his refusal to honor his word. So again, as of post time, it looks like Palmer will be retiring after eight frustrating NFL seasons.  One may feel impressed by Brown’s stance, but let’s be honest here. Owners frequently break contracts when a player fails to live up to expectations. Seems like a bit of a double standard, no?  As of now, rookie / former Texas Christian QB Andy Dalton seems to be in line for the starting job. God speed, Cincy.

Quarterback Carousel: There are a number of veteran QB’s who will be parting ways with their current teams.  Among them are Philadelphia’s Kevin Kolb (pronounced “Cobb”), Seattle’s Matt Hasselbeck, Washington’s Donovan McNabb and possibly Denver’s Kyle Orton.  The demand for Kolb, who lost the starting job to 2010 holy-moly-story-of-the-year Michael Vick, fascinates me.  He certainly shows promise, which is more than enough for some struggling franchises (including Arizona, which was thisclose to drafting fans from the stands to step up after a series of injuries plagued its QB’s).  As of now, it looks as though Arizona is leading the Kolb charge. I personally wish he and the Cards the best – poor Larry Fitzgerald. He needs SOMEONE throwing him the ball. Orton is an overall efficient QB who is young enough to potentially produce for several more seasons.  In his two seasons with the Broncos, he posted almost twice as many TD’s as INT’s with a less-than-elite receiving corps, before seeing rookie Tim Tebow take the reins to close the season. McNabb and Hasselbeck are vets who are likely in the waning years of their careers, but could aid teams lacking QB identity and, more importantly, serve as mentors to developing QB’s, such as Chris Ponder in Minnesota or Jake Locker in Tennessee.

Jets Receivers:  As sure as the leaves will turn colors this fall, Rex Ryan has guaranteed a New York Jets Super Bowl XLVI victory.  But three of his receivers, Braylon Edwards, Brad Smith and former Super Bowl MVP Santonio Holmes are free agents.  I’m anxious to see what develops here – Holmes and Edwards are amply productive and gain serious yardage after the catch.  The Jets’ defense is among the league’s elite and will always keep Ryan’s crew in contention… but to legitimately vie for the team’s third consecutive AFC title game appearance, the Jets cannot afford to lose that kind of offensive talent.  In my opinion. 

That’s all I’ve got for now.  Go get ‘em. And welcome back, football.

Breaking up is the hardest thing to do…

*If you’re not a fan of passionate stream-of-consciousness or my style in general, this isn’t for you. I am making a concerted effort to downgrade my ramble factor but fear I may NEVER be concise when dealing with my first and most true love (Arizona basketball).

Have you ever been certain a breakup is looming? You’ve steeled yourself by vividly imagining the announcement: the exchange of words, be they explanations, threats or pleas; the physical manifestation of your abandonment – perhaps tears, nausea or crazy sweat (I’ll admit it.. I’m a nervous sweater). You know he’s weighing his options and that ultimately it will be for the best. You’ve had great memories and moments, but it’s time for you both to move on. And you eventually get to a point of preparedness. You’re braced for a fall.

But you never really are prepared, are you? The moment comes, the theoretical abandonment becomes reality and the disappointment, the heartbreak, the nausea (or.. sweating) sets in. It’s a classic case of heart versus head, and it’s never pleasant.

Where on Earth am I going with this? Romantically, my heart is in terrific shape. Sportsically? I’m in recovery.

I feel like the University of Arizona’s Derrick Williams just broke up with me. As his stock rose solidly throughout the season and soared rapidly in the tournament, I felt sincere happiness for him and his accomplishments. But I knew he couldn’t possibly stick around. When a nineteen year old is facing the opportunity to make millions of dollars to play a game he loves, is there really a choice? Williams seemed to think so. It took him nearly three weeks to reach his decision, announcing his intentions after the likes of Duke’s Kyrie Irving and UConn’s NCAA MOP/tournament champion Kemba Walker. Williams will go pro, hire an agent and forego his final two years of NCAA eligibility.

For an unheralded high school recruit who managed to drastically improve upon a remarkable Pac-10 Freshman of the Year campaign by becoming the most efficient player in the NCAA, there’s no way to begrudge him his choice. There is room for disappointment, though. The Arizona faithful had endured three seasons of pain as their beloved program floundered prior the arrival of both Williams and head coach Sean Miller.

In the spring of 2009, after a carousel of three coaches in as many years, Arizona was looking for a permanent successor to Hall of Fame coach Lute Olson. ESPN analyst Andy Katz espoused that “whoever takes the Arizona job will have a 6 year rebuilding job ahead of him”. Miller, a former Pitt guard with Sweet 16 and Elite 8 appearances on his resume as Xavier University’s head coach, ultimately accepted the unenviable task of filling not only Olson’s legendary shoes, but the ever-emptying stands at McKale Center. Despite a ho-hum 16-15 record and Arizona’s first missed tournament in as many years as I’ve graced this planet, there were a number of positives to take from Miller’s inaugural year. An entry for another time, perhaps, but suffice it to say Miller has done work.

Fast forward one year. Anyone with a pulse, a TV and a passing interest in March Madness is surely aware that Arizona is back. And that along with Miller’s masterful (perhaps underrated, even) performance, Derrick Williams is hugely to thank for the resurgence. He posted one star-making turn after another in the tournament – singlehandedly saving “second”- and “third”-round wins before inspiring the rest of the Wildcat corps to play to his level in a for-the-annals-of-Arizona-history stomping of reigning National Champion Duke. And who knows how far the Cats may have gone had Williams not picked up those three paralyzing first half fouls against UConn, the eventual 2011 Champion?

If you’re still reading.. and still conscious, you may be wondering where the breakup connection lies, if anywhere. We’re talking about a sophomore leaving his college basketball program. Not the end of an intimate relationship. I’ve never touched on my devotion to the University of Arizona Wildcat basketball program on the pages of this blog, but to establish the comparison I’m proposing, perhaps I should offer an introduction. I was raised on Arizona basketball. I named my stuffed animals after players (my favorite was a pig named AJ Hamlett). My mother and I were most excited at the advent of the Internet because we could listen to games from our Pennsylvania basement. I’ve shed tears at the departure of every senior (even if the clueless AP once ignorantly described this year’s team as “senior-less”, I’m teary-eyed and looking at you, Jamelle Horne) and felt distinct emptiness at the declaration of NBA intentions from each underclassman. Saying goodbye to the Mike Bibbys, Gilbert Arenases (he NEVER had firearm issues in Tucson) and Richard Jeffersons was admittedly more difficult than the Marcus Williamses or ballhog Jerryd Baylesses, but Derrick Williams’ announcement last night may be the toughest pill to swallow yet.

There are two scenarios of breakup comparison we can explore here. The first, and most obvious, is that Derrick has outgrown us. When we first met, he needed us just as much as we needed him. Think of it as Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe. While filming Cruel Intentions, both were talented, remarkably attractive blondes firmly planted on the B-list. But ten years and one Witherspoon Academy Award later, divorce papers were filed. In this instance, it’s two years and one Pac-10 Player of the Year / Wooden Award finalist honor separating Williams from the Wildcats. He’s leaving us for… Four Christmases? Rendition? Okay. Scratch this comparison. He’s going to the NBA, not starring in an inexplicable Paul Rudd/Owen Wilson/Jack Nicholson flop. Although… with a lockout looming and summer leagues already canceled, maybe there isn’t such a stark contrast.

Either way, I’d prefer to think of this breakup as one of absolute necessity. Not that Williams was so unhappy he could no longer bear us, but more of a necessity borne from his growth as a player. Could he have had a fruitful junior year and legitimately contributed to an Arizona Final Four run? Undoubtedly. Will he continue to develop his game and possibly contend for NBA Rookie of the Year (provided the season, you know, takes place)? Undoubtedly. What’s the primary difference between these two possibilities of 2012? I’d say about seven figures. He’s consistently projected to be a top five pick, with many pundits placing him squarely in the top three. That’s no joke. I’m sure you enjoyed college, right? Let’s say you were awesome at… science. And you loved your lab group – you worked phenomenally together and got A after A. Then suddenly the NSA (National Science Association.. obviously) started sniffing around and before you knew it, you were potentially worth millions of dollars. For something you already loved doing. What choice are you going to make?

I’ve drifted from the breakup analogy. I apologize. But let’s examine how we, the dumpees, can deal with our loss. There’s no question Williams elevated the play of Arizona. He’s a once-in-a-lifetime player and we were lucky to have him. And now we wish him the best, while looking toward our own future. Sean Miller has assembled a bright, now-veteran squad with the likes of seniors Kyle Fogg, Brendon Lavender and Jesse Perry, while juniors Solomon Hill, MoMo Jones, Kevin Parrom, Kyryl Natyazhko and sophomore Jordin Mayes (yeah.. Miller ran a 10-man rotation this season) have improved immensely over the course of their first seasons. Throw a top ten recruiting class in the mix, and Arizona will continue its return trip to greatness in ’11-’12.

This breakup could be bitter. We could feel jilted. But we know it’s much easier to grow from love and hope. And what’s not to love about the Arizona Wildcats, past, present and future?

In the meantime, don’t think I won’t be making an attempt (multiple attempts, if necessary) to bring Derrick on board for a 12 Angry Mascots collaboration. It would be the best way for me to get past my personal heartbreak.

April Fooling Around..

The joke’s mostly on me here. I’d wanted to start a whole new baseball-centric blog tonight. Got about three lines in, and ended up writing about imaginary April Fool’s disasters. Stupid weird brain.

I really wanted to play a joke on someone today. Considered calling my mom in tears over lunch break, telling her I’d been fired… but that’s not funny. That’s just mean. My poor mom. When my boss mentioned that “I’m pregnant!” is a stalwart favorite of hers, I felt inclined to agree… until I imagined following through on said fool. It didn’t go too well in my head, so I figured it best not to explore any further. But it got me thinking: just how poorly could an April Fool’s joke at the expense of a new romantic interest be received? Focusing on your basic burgeoning love connection, I came up with a couple (admittedly bizarre) scenarios:

I’m pregnant.

Nothing good can come of this hoax. While you’re suppressing giggles, watching him squirm and dying to spring APRIL FOOL’S on him, his life is flashing before his eyes. He could be imagining any number of unpleasant options: financial ramifications, how ugly a kid with you might be, what he’ll tell his parents or his actual girlfriend (it’s a new guy – who knows what secrets he has tucked away?)… Not to mention the obvious ethical dilemma you may unwittingly present. I repeat: nothing good can come of this.

My *insert pet or some other sad-but-not-close friend/family member-sad here* died.

Don’t make him feel like he needs to comfort you for funsies. This puts him in the awkward position of, again, instinctively reacting to an unfavorable situation… which means you may wind up in the awkward position of learning he is either a) not much of a nurturer, b) not that into you or c) some uncomfortable combination of the two.

I got fired.

Because nothing’s more attractive in a new partner than the inability to maintain employment. If you like someone, it’s always best to let him imagine the absolute worst about your work ethic, productivity and all around value as an employee. Trust me. SUPER hot.

*Insert close (and possibly mutual) female friend here* is engaged.

Why? Why would you even think of this? Why did I even think of this? If you play it off like you’re insanely jealous, you may as well tell the guy you got fired. Equal levels of appeal. Or, let’s say you are thrilled for the fauxgagement. Also lose-lose. You’ll still come across as a My Fair Wedding-watching, bridal magazine-browsing, bouquet toss-collecting time bomb. Super creepy.

I don’t see this going anywhere.

What’s the upside here? Let’s evaluate three possible responses: dude will feel hurt, relieved or nothing. If he feels relief or absolutely nothing… that’s gonna suck. And if he likes you enough to be hurt by your joke, you’ll become the girl who thinks it’s funny to mess with his feelings. But if you go this route, you really ARE the girl who thinks it’s funny to mess with his feelings. So if he does respond with option B or C, you totally had it coming.

For the record, I went fool-less today. Total, disappointing, blank. Save for the warped nonsense above.

The Big East

The region. Not the conference. Although, with 11 teams in the mix, the Big East could ostensibly host its own region.  Instead, we’re going to focus on overall number one seed Ohio State’s corner of the bracket.

Here’s what’s supposed to be happening (in theory): With that overall one seed, Ohio State should have the easiest path to Houston.  (Houston is playing host to the Final Four this year—make a mental note.)  For the sake of clarity, my personal sanity, and my overwhelming drive to get through all four regions before Thursday, I’m not going to get too much into the big picture stuff.  I want to focus solely on the hottest talking points for the opening games of the tournament. The first round, if you will.  I get it, NCAA.  You won’t.  But I will.

Will Ohio State be the first team with a freshman phenom, forward Jared Sullinger, in the one-and-done era to cut down the nets in Houston? (Carmelo Anthony/Syracuse’s 2003 championship was before the rule prohibiting high school seniors from entering the draft.) In fairness, it’s not guaranteed Sullinger will part ways with the Buckeyes for June’s draft, but my gut tells me he’s not long for the NCAA. Along with Kansas, Ohio State seems to be the media darling to win it all April 4.

What the heck happened to Carolina in the ACC Tournament?  After leading a whopping 33.1 seconds in regulation through the first two rounds against a weak Miami and among-the-four-last-at-large-bid-recipients Clemson, the Heels relied on a heroic overtime performance by freshman Harrison Barnes in the semifinal to pull away from the Tigers…. Only to be thoroughly handled by a better prepared, better shooting, better defending, better rebounding Duke squad.  Never mind that Roy’s Boys did some Blue Devil-handling of their own one mere week earlier (putting up 51 in the first half, thankyouverymuch). A very young Carolina squad has seemed flat and completely out of sync in their postseason appearances thus far.  Here’s hoping junior Tyler Zeller can lead youngsters like Barnes, Kendall Marshall and (the friggin’ adorable) John Henson to muster some poise, or the 2 seed UNC could be in trouble as early as the second round.

Syracuse this season? Hot and then cold. Yes and then no… ahh, Katy.  In seriousness, though—it’s been tough to predict what the Orange will come up with game to game.  Strong performances by the likes of Rick Jackson and Brandon Triche will be vital to Jim Boeheim’s team in the tournament. If you find yourself discussing this team at any point, feel free to point out that, with guys named Scoop Jardine and Fab Melo, the Orange boasts one of the sweetest-sounding rosters in the field. Seriously. Fab Melo. Awesome.

Oh, Kentucky. I have a strong affinity for the Wildcats of the Bluegrass, but I wonder whether they’ll ever find true success through cohesion under John Calipari. Coach Cal will earn a perennial top three recruiting class, but will he recruit players who are genuinely interested in anything beyond bolstering their own draft stock?  Can he develop a true team who will not view Lexington as a quick stepping stone to the NBA, but appreciate the hallowed ground of Rupp Arena and the remarkable history of Kentucky basketball? As someone who admires the passion my Kentucky brethren possess for their Wildcats, I certainly hope so.  UK fans are far too loyal, far too invested and deserve far more than some sort of draft factory, churning out one-and-done lottery picks each year.  As they say in Lexington—all they count is championships.  Will Cal ever pull one out?

Like every other basketball nerd, I always like a 5-12 upset in my bracket. Not thinking it’ll come from the East. Clemson isn’t good. West Virginia isn’t bad. I don’t see the Mountaineers bowing out in the first round.

The 6 Xavier-11 Marquette matchup is intriguing and possibly the only upset of note to come out of this region… although how much of an upset is it when a team from the oft-vaunted best conference in basketball, the Big East, takes out a mid-major team? Speaking of the Big East, if you’d like to strike up a conversation with a true basketball fan, just ask his opinion about the Big East.  Two schools of thought here: a) The Big East is the cream of the crop, head and shoulders above every conference EVER. Unstoppable. and b) The Big East has too many teams, and by far the best marketing of any major conference. Does any conference need sixteen teams, really?   Both of these points have levels of validity.  Each year, the Big East produces incredible competition.  Its teams boast strong out-of-conference wins and traditionally dominant performances in the tournament.  But sixteen sure is a lot of teams for just one conference.

7 Washington vs. 10 Georgia has the potential to be an exciting matchup. The Huskies have exhibited flashes of brilliance this season, but they’ve also lost to Oregon. And Oregon State. But this is a veteran team with decent tournament experience after a surprise visit to the Sweet Sixteen last season.  Watch for the upperclassmen Matthew Bryan-Amaning, Venoy Overton and the fearless Isaiah Thomas to lead freshmen Terrence Ross and CJ Wilcox against a Georgia team that took 2 seed Florida to two overtimes (before losing 104-91).

Since 2006, everyone’s wanted to know who the next George Mason will be.  Could this year’s be…. George Mason?  The way Villanova has muddled through the latter part of its season, I wouldn’t be surprised to see Jay Wright’s squad get bumped in the first round.  Although historically/statistically, the 9 seed has a slight edge in these matchups.  Not sure that will help the Coreys (Stokes and Fisher) and their fellow Wildcats through to the second round.

Apologies to seeds 13-16.  Best of luck, Princeton (aka the Harvard bid-stealers and second Ivy League team Kentucky meets in the tournament in as many years), Indiana State, Long Island University, and team TBD between UT-San Antonio and Alabama State.  Although at the time of this post, UT-SA is laying the suh-mack down on Alabama State at the half … 48-21.  Wowza.  Look out, Ohio State.

You may or may not remember me…

I used to write a blog. I was pretty dedicated for a solid, say, four months.  I shared my (admittedly amateur) insights about football and, on two whopping occasions, basketball. I opened up about my mortifying knee injury and the subsequent recovery time in the great state of Kentucky.  I made you laugh.. and cringe – at my general awkwardness as much as my lame jokes.  If you were a loyal reader (aka my parents), I’m fairly certain your eyes glazed over on more than one occasion at my intense verbosity. 

Wellllll….. I’m back!  And believe I may be owed some sort of medal for lameness: my Steelers reached their eighth Super Bowl this season and I didn’t blog one word about it.  How’s that for loyal fandom?  Geesh.  In fairness, I have been busy doing actual sports stuff.  I’ve been working with 12 Angry Mascots, New York’s premier (read: only) sports comedy group.  We produce live shows in the city as well as videos for Comedy Central’s atom.com.  I’ve done some exciting stuff – worked with the likes of Jerricho Cotchery, Antrel Rolle, Eric Smith and the hosts of the Onion SportsDome, helped write a script that scored almost 80,000 hits / was featured on the Huffington Post annnnnd… got to impersonate Rex Ryan.  Also scored a couple of minor bylines in ESPN the Magazine.  In retrospect, 2010/early 2011 have treated me puh-retty well, all things considered.  And by “all things”, I mean “the trainwreck that was 2008-09”.  And just as my passion for and ability to discuss sports has never been sharper, I am still a fumbling romantic.  As per usual, ladies, I’ll help get you in the door with that cute guy across the bar. But you’re on your own once the final horn sounds, the game is over, and actual substance is required.

Speaking of horns….  Basketball!!!!  The madness of March has descended upon us and I am ready for six rounds of captivating, awe-inspiring play.  I’m sorry—what’s that you say?  A seventh round?  Oh yes.  That’s right.  In their infinite wisdom, the NCAA has implemented three additional play-in games but insists upon referring to them as the “First Four” which is actually a pretty catchy title.  But three C-list matchups do not an entire first round make, so I will refuse to refer to the first full round of play as anything but.

My plan is to write an entry for each of the four brackets before the first round tips Thursday.  This is an awfully ambitious goal for the girl who couldn’t muster the will to blog about the epic Steelers-Ravens and Jets-Patriots AFC Divisional playoff games (SERIOUSLY… how lazy AM I?), but I feel confident.  I may have given up laziness for Lent (no pre-midnight cabs, no more delivery, getting my undertoned butt to the gym and, yes… revisiting one of my favorite hobbies: writing)… so I’ll have good ol’ Catholic guilt driving me to complete my mission.

Stay tuned!

Butler and Duke? Really?

If you know nothing about basketball, you had every bit as great a chance to predict this National Championship matchup as the next guy.  Even if the next guy analyzes basketball for a living.   

I think the best example of the sheer insanity that has been the previous three basketball-laden weeks comes from my last entry.  Sure, I basically hedged everything I said by insisting that anything could and would happen, but I made one bold prediction: Purdue wouldn’t be around past the first weekend. And yet, there the Boilermakers were, proudly in the Sweet Sixteen, battling it out against Duke.  On my birthday, no less.  It’s as if the basketball gods were saying “Happy birthday! Another year older and you still know nothing! And you’re going to get crow’s feet soon.”

The first day of the tournament was ridiculous and, to be honest, the first time I was 100% grateful to be couch-bound in Kentucky.  I had the opportunity to watch every single finish over the entire first round.  My dad took off work – it was like a holiday for my little family.  While I read repeated Tweets and Facebook messages about brackets being busted (particularly at the hands of Northern Iowa), I couldn’t help but smile. There’s one thing I absolutely was right about: the NCAA tournament is utter mayhem and unpredictability in the form of 64 games.

But here we are. The blessed event is mere hours away and I’m encouraging you to GO! Go watch the game somewhere!  Whether it’s a house party or a local bar, this is not an event to be missed.  Unless Butler plays they way they did on Saturday and Duke does as well.  In that case, it’s not going to be such a great game.  Let’s get to that in a second.

I think tonight’s game would be best discussed by comparing the two teams.  Feel free to read through these ideas and use them to strike up a friendly* conversation. 

*There are people who hate Duke with an unreasonable passion. It’s unlikely you’ll be able to have a friendly interaction with these individuals unless it consists solely of Duke / Kyle Singler’s face / Coach K bashing.

For this year’s National Championship, we’ve got a classic case of:

David-Goliath.  During his press conference, Butler’s head coach Brad Stevens explained he was okay with this comparison – David won, after all. I hope someone makes sure he knows slingshots are strictly verboten during the game.

Good vs. Evil (and before Duke fans want to string me up, your mascot is a devil. And I realize the Blue Devils were actually a French flying legion in WWI – yes, I dated a Dukie all through college – but still. Lighten up.)  (Okay. I just double-checked that I was right in remembering the origin of the mascot and hey! I’ve still got it. I was right.)  But what’s not good about that adorable little Butler bulldog sitting on the bench?

Green vs. Experienced. Sure, none of the players taking the court have been in this position – Duke hasn’t graced the Final Four since 2004, while Butler is actually the smallest school in 40 years to reach the championship.  But we’re looking at a 30 year age difference between head coaches (Duke coach Mike Krzyzewski turned 63 in February, Stevens is a tender 33), not to mention the accolades Coach K has accrued in his tenure at Duke – 3 National Championships, a spot in the Hall of Fame and a cute little Olympic Gold in 2008.  Stevens is the youngest coach in the National Championship since 31 year-old Branch McCracken won the 1940 title with Indiana University.  And have you really looked at the guy? I’m not even sure he’s actually 33.  I think I might look older than him.  Especially with those crow’s feet looming.

Under vs. Upperclassmen: Butler’s top five scorers include three sophomores, a junior and a senior.  Duke’s features two seniors, two juniors and a sophomore.

Playing with House Money vs. Weight of the World on their Shoulders: There were a handful of pundits who thought Butler might best Syracuse, but I think it’s safe to say no one (who didn’t attend Butler) would have given Butler serious consideration as a title contender.  The Bulldogs are by no means coasting – they’ve got a way of systematically shutting their opponent’s offense down while never panicking, despite deficits, missed shots, you name it.  But let’s face it: no matter what happens, this is a massive, ridiculous accomplishment for a tiny school in Indianapolis.  The Blue Devils, on the other hand, have disappointed their fan base with uncharacteristic early round exits in the last five years.  I blame Greg Paulus and JJ Redick: Paulus because he never realized the potential Coach K seemed to see in him and Redick because the dude could never come through under pressure in the tournament.  Senior Jon Scheyer, junior Kyle Singler and junior Nolan Smith have taken complete control of this team and willed them into the finals.  A championship appearance is a tremendous credit to the ability of the Devils, but these kids (and their nationwide fan base) will consider any outcome not involving net-cutting as a bit of a disappointment. 

New Kids on the Block vs. Overexposed, Overhyped Kids Everyone Loves to Hate: Everyone loves an underdog story.  And what’s not to love about a team led by a twelve year-old masquerading as a basketball player (Gordon Hayward – he with the most precious face not belonging to Brad Stevens in Indianapolis) and a pack of hardworking, under the radar college kids peaking at the right time?  Butler has never had an NBA player. They’re getting to play for a national title in their hometown of Indianapolis, which is unbelievably fortunate.  And special.  Have I mentioned how ADORABLE Hayward and Stevens are (particularly while being interviewed together)? Duke spends more time on ESPN than Hannah Storm’s hooker boots and bare upper arms. Coach K notoriously bullies the officials from one end of the court to the other.  The Blue Devils were the lucky recipients of the easiest region in the bracket (including the play-in game.. weird) and seem to receive the benefit of the doubt from the officials while playing in March. Then there’s the Cameron Crazies, with their obnoxious jumping and hooting and public displays of nerdism. 

This is the point in time I’d like to make a disclaimer.  I can already feel backlash coming from a few people about my unfair Duke bashing.  I’m not necessarily expressing my own views, but simply voicing aspects of the program that lead people to hate Duke as much as they do.  Believe it or not, I’ve tried to put a lot of thought into what makes this program so fun to hate for so many, and this is what I’ve come up with.  On a personal level, I am not at all a Duke fan but am not bothered by their championship berth.  They’re a hard-working team that has done everything they’ve needed to do up to this point.  They’ve played phenomenal ball throughout the tournament and, when push comes to shove, it’s a group of college kids.  They’re not the anti-Christ of the hardwood. 

So. Who do we think is going to win tonight?

Butler had what? One field goal in the final twelve minutes of their Final Four matchup?  Duke missed what? One shot in the final twelve minutes of their Final Four matchup?  If we match the two teams that appeared before us on Saturday, it’s a no-brainer.  Duke is going to win.  And easily.  Fortunately for us, adjustments can (and will be) made.  Butler has managed to figure out every single one of its opponents in the past three weeks, while Duke has simply shot lights out.  Big man Brian Zoubek has made the most of his fourth year and become a rebounding machine, giving the Devils multiple opportunities after nearly every (pretty freaking rare) missed shot.  Butler big guy Matt Howard appeared to suffer from a mild concussion on Saturday, has been cleared for shoot around, and will be a gametime decision.  Also a gametime decision? Whether or not he’ll remove that unsettling albino caterpillar that appears to have made a home on his upper lip. 

As a basketball fan with no legitimate interest in the outcome of this game, I’m hoping that Butler’s going to hit crazy shots a la their UTEP shellacking in the first round.  If they don’t, it could turn into a blowout – particularly if Duke continues its hot shooting streak.

Here’s hoping for an entertaining 40 minutes of evenly matched, thrilling basketball.  Or, worst case scenario, 40 minutes (slash two and a half hours) of excellent company.

Welcome to Bracketopolis. Perform a bracketcism. Learn a bit more about bracketometry.

Have you filled out a bracket yet?  If not, you’ve got about thirty minutes.  And I think you should.  Join your office pool, a group of friends, or even compete on ESPN’s various groups (Around the Horn and my favorite show PTI are both sponsoring bracket challenges). 

I know, I know.  You don’t know who to pick!  I’ll let you in on a little secret.  No one does, really.  Because here’s the thing: anything, and I mean ANYTHING, can happen in this madness of March.  Sure, a 16 has yet to ever beat a 1 in the opening round, but it’ll happen eventually.  Am I suggesting you take Arkansas-Pine Bluff over Duke?  Despite the fact that APB is on a roll after stomping Winthrop in the play-in game, no.  I’m not suggesting that.

Are you scared what others are going to think of your bracket?  Let me fill you in on another secret (who knew Bracketopolis was such a coven of hidden information?): no one expects you to do well.  The hot guy who came by offering you entry into his pool with a twinkle in his eye?  That twinkle is probably because you’re hot and he wanted an excuse to talk to you.  It could also be that he figures you’re going to pick based on scientific information such as team color or where your friends, boyfriends and ex-boyfriends went to school, and that he’s going to take your $5 and eventually pocket it on the 5th of April.

Let’s talk worst case and best case scenarios.  In my personal life, I always refer to this as WCS and BCS.  I’ll do the same here. 

WCS:  You THINK it’s embarrassing yourself with horrible, horrible picks.  This actually isn’t true. Your WCS is doing well and having no valid reason for the teams you chose to advance.  Trust me on this.  If you’re a girl who doesn’t care about college basketball, please listen to me: do NOT make it common knowledge that you’ve just picked on a whim.  Lie, lie, LIE.  Tell the people you’re eviscerating that your older brother or your dad helped you.  Explain that you watched the conference tournament games last week and your interest was genuinely piqued.  Or, heck, you could take 30 minutes and do a little research.  If there are guys reading who don’t know much about basketball, you’re not off the obnoxious hook  either if you do well. 

People like me will hate you.  In fact, I have stopped filling out brackets.  I was guilted into competing in my physical therapist’s office (it was my last day and I’m going to miss all my new dear friends), but I didn’t have to pay to enter and I made it perfectly clear that I had no intention of doing well. The fact that I’ll be back in New York while the results are pouring in helped, too.  Because back to my original point, I get mad when I don’t do well.  And I never do.  The one thing that angers me more than screwing up my bracket is hearing about my English co-worker in England who doesn’t care a lick for basketball but managed to beat me soundly after the first weekend. (Disclaimer: this is not to say that the beautiful English nation and its people can’t know about basketball – it is to say this particular individual admittedly knew nothing – and actually threw me under the bus in a pool-wide email, later apologizing and saying I was the only one he felt comfortable embarrassing in said email.  Gee.  Thanks.  But no, I’m not bitter about it…..two years later….)

So are we clear?  WCS is you doing well and anyone you’re trying to impress being irritated by your lucky existence.

BCS:  Sucking it up.  Submitting a bracket that doesn’t do well.  I’m not saying to pick all double-digit seeds over their much more qualified counterparts.  That would be ridiculous and if you’re going to do that, just save your money and don’t enter.  In fact, if you gave any thought to picking all upsets, please stop reading. Now. I’m not kidding.

Your BCS is making reasonable picks that simply don’t do well.  It’s one of those perfect “in’s” we used to discuss, back when I would make regular contributions to this blog.  You’ll have the opportunity to seek guidance from your fellow competitors.  You may even get an invite to watch a game or two with everyone after work or on the weekend.  When you’re not a threat and express sincere interest, you’re actually adorable.  Keep that in mind. 

Instead of going through every single game this weekend, I would like to hand over a couple of tips.  As I’ve explained, I’m no oracle and (as evidenced by the last several months of my life) I am not lucky.  In fact, if horrible luck sprouted two legs (well… one healthy one) and a head of hair, you’d have me. You need luck or foresight to do extremely well during March.  But what I CAN do is offer a few practical tips as you make your choices before submitting prior to noon!

1) When in doubt, go with the better seed.  I hope I don’t need to tell you, but the smaller the number, the better the team.  In theory, that is.  But if you’re stuck, defer to the littler number.

2) You NEED a 5-12 upset in your bracket.  Sure, they don’t happen every SINGLE year, but they do happen with freakish regularity.  Here are your choices and which you should choose:

a) Michigan State – New Mexico State: I’d say there’s no way this would happen, but then I think about the fact that Michigan State lost to Minnesota.  But then I think that Tom Izzo won’t lose in the first round.  I don’t think MSU has had an impressive win since January, but does NMSU have what it takes?  Its quick tempo could cause problems for the Spartans, but I wouldn’t recommend picking NMSU in this one.

b) Butler – UTEP: Ahh, UTEP.  This is a team that won sixteen in a row this season and features Derrick Caracter, a transfer out of Louisville.  Butler doesn’t have a lot of tournament advancement experience.  UTEP was shocked in the Conference USA tournament finals by Houston.  Could a team that loses to 19-15 Houston bounce the four-loss Butler Bulldogs?  It doesn’t seem likely, but I wouldn’t count it out.  Never underestimate a chip on the shoulder of a great team scorned.  I just couldn’t tell you if UTEP is truly great.  In my mind, you wouldn’t be crazy for picking UTEP.  Or Butler.  Or UTEP.

c) Temple – Cornell: This is the popular upset pick.  Temple won the regular season and tournament of a competitive, three bid A-10 conference and was rewarded with a lousy five seed.  Cornell almost beat Kansas IN Lawrence, handily won the Ivy League AND features a massive seven footer, so no one’s entirely sure where their lousy twelve seed is coming from.  Yes. I re-used “lousy”.  I’m biased here because I watched a lot of Temple, but the Owls play more *NSYNC (meaning as a group, but I haven’t looked at their iPods) than any major conference team I’ve watched.  I can’t see them looking past Cornell and losing in the first round, but I don’t think it’s going to be a walk in the park. I go with Temple, but you wouldn’t be off the charts if you gave Cornell a try.

d) Texas A&M – Utah State: This is a tricky matchup.  Most experts consider Utah State to be horribly underseeded (sensing a theme here?), but all nine of Texas A&M’s losses came from tournament teams.  This means they didn’t have any badly embarrassing games this season.  So, will A&M lose its tenth game to a tournament team in Utah State?  I am not inclined to think so, but crazier things have (and probably will) happen. 

3) Do NOT have all four one seeds in your Final Four.  Just don’t.  It’s not likely.  The biggest gripe I’ve heard about this year’s bracket is Kansas and Kentucky getting hosed, while Duke, the #3 one seed (Kansas is #1, Kentucky #2, meaning – in theory, of course – these teams should have an easier trip to the Final Four) gets an overseeded two and four (a stumbling-into-the-postseason Villanova and Robbie-Hummell-less-can-score-11-in-a-half-against-Minnesota Purdue). 

I don’t think you’d be crazy if you had Duke losing to Baylor.  Keep in mind, this team may have more ACC tournament titles than any other ACC team (9 of the last 12 included), but the Blue Devils haven’t gotten past the Elite Eight in six years, including a couple second-round exits.  With that in mind, it wouldn’t be completely insane to have your winner of the Cal-Louisville matchup bumping Duke, either. 

You could have Syracuse (who lost to then-bubble team Louisville in its last home game before losing in the first round of the Big East tournament to Georgetown and losing Arinze Onoaku for likely the first full weekend, perhaps longer) losing to Butler/UTEP/Vandy, Pitt/Kansas State. 

I don’t recommend a Kansas-less Final Four, but if you’re feeling ambitious, Ohio State looked fantastic in the Big Ten tournament final.  But it needed two overtimes to get past 14-loss Illinois.  Maryland could potentially mount an upset bid, which would be led by the phenomenal (and kind of annoying in his phenomenality) Grieves Vasquez.

Kentucky could get a little trouble from Temple/Cornell (assuming the winner of this matchup gets past Wisconsin), but the Wildcats are more likely to be downed by West Virginia.  This Mountaineers team won the Big East Tournament for the first time in school history and might just think they deserved a one seed over the ailing, floundering Orangemen of Syracuse or the barely-win-the-ACC-Tournament-and-share-the-regular-season-title Duke Blue Devils. I mentioned this earlier, but never underestimate a team with angry motivation. 

4) By the same token, don’t have all four one seeds losing before the Final Four.  Pick one, maybe two to go down. 

5) Purdue is not getting past the first weekend.  Whether you  have Siena (a team that can knock out a healthy team in the first round, let alone the stumbling Boilermakers) in the first round or Utah St./Texas A&M in the second round, don’t let Purdue stick around.  They’re not going anywhere. 

6) Feel free to ignore everything I’ve recommended.  This has been an insane year of college basketball – the #1 team in the country lost an obscene number of times, conference tournaments sparked some ridiculous upsets, and I don’t think we’ve seen the last of them.  Combine a tournament where anything can happen with a year where (just about) everything already HAS happened and you’ve got a crazy few weeks ahead.

Bottom line, if Barack Obama can take ten minutes out of his day to fill out a bracket, so can you.  Ready, set, GO NOW!!!

Aw, well that’s just SUPER.

Well, ladies (and gentlemen?) the day has come.  Super Bowl Sunday.  Once that clock ticks down to zero in the fourth quarter tonight, the long months of empty desolation offseason will commence.  I hope I’ve helped cultivate at least a mild understanding of the mechanics of football and what, in my opinion, drives the passionate displays of fandom you’ll find each Sunday from September to this very day.  And if I haven’t and you still hate football / have begun to hate me, guess what? Starting tomorrow, you’re off the hook for approximately seven months and we’ll try this again in the fall.

True to the mission of this blog, I want to talk about a few things that are easy to address at your Super Bowl parties this evening.  Tonight is a great opportunity to get talking about football because there’s an overwhelming chance (unless you’re in Indiana or Louisiana) that you won’t be talking to a diehard fan of either participating team.  You’ll be able to casually discuss the talking points below with little risk of incensing your target by unwittingly tearing down his lifelong passion/favorite football team.  If you’re feeling particularly ambitious, go ahead and review my previous NFL entries for further conversation fodder.  Solid. Gold. Info.

As the hours are winding down to kickoff, it’s become pretty clear that while the Saints are sentimental favorites, logic and reason are encouraging the majority of pundits and celebrities to call this one for Peyton and co.  Former Colts head coach Tony Dungy, in his first year of retirement, said of his old quarterback and team:

“I think they’re going to be so far ahead that people are going to say, ‘Oh, ho-hum, [Manning] played a good game, they won by two scores, the Colts won their second championship.’ He’s going to have those rings Sunday night. I don’t think it’s going to be close.”

It’s easy and nearly requisite to take that sentiment with a grain of salt.  In their years together, Dungy and Manning cultivated an immensely successful relationship, replete with playoff appearances in all seven of the Dungy-Manning seasons as well as the Super Bowl 2007 championship.  At the same time, one simply needs to take a look at Peyton Manning’s stellar career to affirm his former coach’s vote of confidence. The dude is arguably the greatest QB of all time, and if he earns a second ring this evening, that pesky word “arguably” may cease to be necessary.

If you’ve tuned into ESPN for even a moment or two this week, you may already know what I’m about to address and may, in fact, be wondering what’s taken me so long to wind around to it:  there is a possible fly in the Colts’ ointment.  Defensive end Dwight Freeney, with a team-high 13 1/2 sacks, is dealing with a third degree sprain in his right ankle. Third degree sprains typically mean that a ligament may actually be torn, which doesn’t bode well for Freeney’s aggressive play.  Freeney was unable to practice at all this week but is currently listed as “likely” for today’s game.  Rest assured, if Freeney (who hurt himself trying to AVOID hitting Jets QB Mark Sanchez in the AFC Championship Game – what luck!) makes his way to the field tonight, he’ll be targeted by the Saints’ offensive line. Rest assured, the Saints will not want the man who is widely considered to be the heart of the Colts’ D providing his team with any type of spark during this, the biggest game of the season.  We’ll see what sort of contribution Freeney is able to make, whether it be physically through inspiring play or intangibly through his support on the sidelines.

Between Dungy’s publicized opinions and Freeney’s tender ankle, the Colts seem to have dominated this week’s press coverage.  At the moment, the Saints have been flying under the radar (as “under the radar” as NFC Champions can fly, that is) – none of their players are injured and there haven’t been any outrageous quotes from coaching staff or footballers themselves.  Oh wait.  Never mind.  Who could forget Defensive Coordinator Gregg Williams’ perceived threat on the health of Peyton Manning?  In a radio interview, Williams let loose:

“The big thing is that he throws the ball so early that we’re going to have to do a good job of finding ways to get to him and when we do get to him we’re going to have to make sure he gets a couple ‘remember me’ shots when we get there. When you put too much of that type of worry on a warrior’s mind, he doesn’t play all out.  If it happens, it happens.  And the only thing you’d like for me to say is that if it happens you hope he doesn’t get back up and play again.”

Oy. I wonder if the Colts’ offensive line plastered those sage words about the locker room this week?  Most likely.  After watching the Saints’ match-ups with both Kurt Warner’s Cardinals and Brett Favre’s Vikings, it’s hard not to take Wiliams’ words in a literal fashion.  Both Warner and Favre were escorted off the field at one point in each of their performances against Williams’ rough and tumble crew.  Cardinals backup QB Matt Leinart took to the field in the final minutes of the first half, allowing the 38 year-old Warner some recovery time in the team locker room.

As a girl, I hate the idea that footballers would intentionally attack another player with malicious intent (beyond stopping the play, stripping the ball, etc.).  Especially the New Orleans Saints!  We see this team as a symbol of rebirth and passion.  They’ve risen like a phoenix from the flooded ashes of the Super Dome in 2005 to the pinnacle of their profession.  Who would not love that story?  No one.  That’s who.  Unless they come out in the Super Bowl playing Super Dirty.  On the flip side, as a football fan, I can’t help but call into question Williams’ thought process behind publicly admitting these intentions.  Whether or not he was misunderstood (subsequent interviews with head coach Sean Payton and various players suggest the media has taken his words out of context which may well be the case), why would Williams string those sentences together in a public forum?  Beyond the girly argument of making the heroic Saints seem less-than, there’s the pragmatic fear that not only may the Colts have taken notice, but the officiating crew may very well have as well.

In the January 24 Vikings showdown, the Saints took it to Favre repeatedly, hitting him six times (though never actually sacking him).  One of these hits was a low hit non-call that should have been considered roughing the passer, as admitted by Mike Pereira, NFL VP of Officiating.  Could it be possible that, however subconsciously, tonight’s crew will remember both Williams’ non-veiled threats to Peyton Manning in addition to the missed call from two weeks prior?  Could those yellow flags find their way onto the field a little more readily against the Saints after last week’s public display of (hoped-for) destruction than, say, if Williams had simply kept his mouth shut?  Who’s to say?  (If you just thought about how badly you’re going to miss my ramblings musings stream-of-consciousness in the offseason, worry not: I’m moving on to basketball this week.  I’m not going anywhere.)

One last place setting at tonight’s table is the impact the Haitian earthquake will have on tonight’s game.  Both Saints LB Jonathan Vilma and Colts WR Pierre Garçon, the sons of Haitian immigrants, will have an extra boost of inspiration as they take the field in a few hours.  Regardless of the outcome, you can bet we’ll be seeing the Haitian flag on a victory lap.

ADDITIONAL CONVERSATION-INDUCING QUESTIONS:

1) Which Reggie Bush do you think we’ll see tonight?  Speedy, score-at-will Saints RB or Kim Kardashian’s boyfriend?

2) Who is your Super Bowl X factor for each team? (Do a little research if you plan to talk about this. Mine are Saints WR Marques Colston – consistently Brees’ go-to guy…until the last couple of games and Colts DE Robert Mathis and backup DE Raheem Brock, who will be expected to step up in a big way for Dwight Freeney, should he be forced to sit this one out.)

3) Who do you think will have a bigger game for his team – Drew Brees or Peyton Manning?

4) If head coach  Jim Caldwell wins the Super Bowl in his first year as head coach, how much credit does he deserve?  How much has Tony Dungy’s legacy impacted the play of this year’s team?

5) Do you think the Saints’ defense has gotten unfairly labeled as “soft”?  Those five balls didn’t fumble themselves against the Vikings, you know.

6) How many times will Phil Simms (Super Bowl-winning QB / CBS Commentator) pause and silently want to hit Jim Nantz (other CBS Commentator whose sole claim to athletic fame is rooming with Fred Couples in college) for something overly sentimental or nonsensical he has espoused? (No. I don’t like Jim Nantz. He’s no Cris Collinsworth.)

7) FINE.  You can talk about the commercials.  Go ahead.

If you’re a regular reader, you’ll know that my plan this evening is to be firmly planted in my parents’ Kentucky living room, as I’m still unable to return to my normal, mobile life in New York.  Luckily for me, the folks are two of my absolute favorite people to watch football with and my mom makes the most ridiculous wings I’ve ever had (high school friends and previous boyfriends can attest to this fact).  With that in mind, all you party-going friends of mine, have an absolute blast!

In my most blatant shout-out in the four month history of this blog: PH13, I am there in spirit!!!!!!!!! And probably in multiple texts throughout the night.

What would Breesus do? What about Brett Fav…ruh?

How about that AFC Championship?  I think we can all understand why, precisely, Peyton Manning makes the big bucks.

We’re now moving on to the NFC Championship.  And what a dream matchup it is – prolific QB’s, powerful RB’s and stout defenses that know how to get the job done.  We’ve got a team that has risen from the ashes of a post-Katrina New Orleans and a QB who is likely to have a soap opera, let alone a mere movie, based on his exploits in Brett Favre.  Let’s break it down.

New Orleans Saints (15-3): Without a doubt, the Saints boast one of the most successful offenses in the NFL.  To put the capabilities of this offense into perspective, 13 individual Saints have received or rushed for TD’s this season.  The Saints ultimately went 13-0 before dropping their final three games of the season.  After New Orleans’ sputtering finish, many prognosticators counted out the Saints and their full-throttle attack, citing some bye week rust and an allegedly porous defense as Achilles heels for Drew Brees and co.  In New Orleans’ Divisional matchup against the defending NFC Champion Arizona Cardinals, the Saints silenced all critics on both sides of the ball.  Darren Sharper and Jonathan Vilma, two defensive acquisitions in the past two years, (Sharper was signed in March of 2009, Vilma was picked up in a trade during the 2008 NFL Draft) have ignited the Saints’ defense with their passion and tenacity.  In my humble opinion, it again comes down to intangibles for the New Orleans Saints, and Vilma and Sharper (among others) have this je ne sais quois in spades.

I don’t think it’s legal to discuss the New Orleans Saints without mentioning Reggie Bush, is it?  In his pro career, Bush has been a bit underwhelming.   He shows tremendous potential, exhibited in flashes of greatness from time to time.  And then he gets hurt.  He’s spent a lot of time riding the injured pine, but last week against Arizona, he demonstrated what a legitimate threat he truly is – both returning the ball, and rushing in the open field.  Who’s to say whether we’ll see the same young man this afternoon, but either way he’s got a super hot girlfriend (Kim Kardashian made an appearance in his booth last week).

In all sincerity, this is quite possibly the team that means the most to its hometown.  After Katrina, the Saints spent the entire season on the road, as the SuperDome was home to thousands of displaced New Orleanians. After decades of being referred to as the New Orleans “Ain’ts”, the 2006 season featured the Saints heading all the way to the NFC Title game (only to lose to eventual runner-up Chicago).  In the interim, the Saints have been led fearlessly by Drew Brees and a potent offense, while building up a threatening defense.  This year, the Saints are looking to nix their record as one of five active NFL teams to NEVER appear in the Super Bowl.  There’s a phrase sweeping New Orleans – What Would Breesus Do?  And we’re about to find out.

Minnesota Vikings (14-4): There’s no way to discuss the Minnesota Vikings without addressing Brett Favre, so I may as well get the ball rolling with him.  This 40 year old active legend has dominated off-season coverage for two years running, with his will-he-won’t-he retirement waffling.  In three years, he’s played on as many teams, falling just short of the Super Bowl with the Green Bay Packers and missing the playoffs with the New York Jets before this season in Minnesota.  In what rivals his best statistical season to date, Favre has thrown the fewest interceptions of his career.  Of course, there has been much ado about Favre’s choice to play for the Vikings, a Packer divisional foe, which has left many a Green Bay fan dismayed and, for lack of a less cheesy phrase, hating on Favre.  Both divisional matchups were much ballyhooed, and both games resulted in resounding wins for the Vikes.  Love him or hate him, Favre is on a roll this season.  And just think – if the Vikings lose this week, we get two extra weeks of will-he-won’t-he speculation!

The Vikings also feature one of the best RB’s in the game in Adrian Peterson.  Although he can be a tad fumble-prone, he’s got immense size and explosive speed, which are together a lethal combination for befuddled defenses near and far.  Along with Peterson, Favre’s top four targets Percy Harvin, Visanthe Shiancoe, Sidney Rice and Bernard Berrian have had banner years (Harvin was awarded Offensive Rookie of the Year and only Berrian saw his numbers dip slightly from last season).  In fact, much like the Saints, there are so many threats on the offense, each play from scrimmage leaves the opposing defense vulnerable.

After last week, the Vikings have received a bit of flak for their in-your-face final touchdown against the Cowboys (Favre-Shiancoe with less than four minutes on the clock to go up 31 points).  Sure, most of this flak has come from Dallas LB Keith Brooking but let’s be honest – with a little time left on the clock, is it the classiest thing for a team to do?  I personally don’t have much of an opinion either way but after watching the Colts run with the ball on their final possession while up just 30-17 during today’s AFC Title game, it reminded me that (no judgment – seriously!) there are two ways to approach each offensive dilemma.

The primary component of this game we have yet to cover may be the New Orleans Super Dome.  We’ve discussed just how much the Saints mean to their hometown, but not the impact these fans can have in their game.  While playing in a dome, crowd noise can always be an issue, but I think we can be assured that the Saints fans will be exhausting their vocal cords in support of their home team.

As I prepare to post this entry the score is already 7-7 and I can only hope the remaining 51 minutes will continue to enthrall all of us football fans, desperately clinging to our second-to-last game of the season…